Family Rules
Every family has certain rules. Sometimes they are spoken, but often they are simply 'understood.' It is interesting to ask people "What was the worst thing you could do?" in your family. I think it tells a lot about that person, or at least where they came from. It also ties back to my previous post, because many of us are following rules we didn't agree to, rules that we may not even be aware of.
In my own selective memory, the biggest rule in my family was "Be responsible." Not a bad rule, as rules go. The worst thing I could be in my family's eyes was irresponsible. So... am I a responsible person because that was the rule in my family, or am I just naturally that way? What would happen if I did something irresponsible? Whom would I disappoint? To what lengths would I go to hide my irresponsibility?
While I think most folks who know me would agree that I am a fairly responsible person, I do make mistakes -- challenge the rule -- fuck up on purpose sometimes. Occassionally I have the presence of mind to question my own thoughts and actions when something is causing me particular stress. I also struggle to remember that there are LOTS of other people who are responsible; I don't have to be "the one." At those times, I try to see clearly to the things that are most important to me, that affect my family directly. I focus on those, and let some of the others slip away.
The other rule in my family was that the parents don't fight. I am pretty sure this is selective memory and not what actually happened. I remember plenty of fights between me and my parents, between my sister and my parents, between my sister and me. Yet somehow I came away with no memory of my parents arguing with each other. This is a rule I have definitely worked to change. I grew up not knowing how to be angry with my partner and work through it. I had a very black and white view of relationships. Fortunately, Steve is self-aware and was committed to working things out from the very beginning. I remember him telling me, early on in our courtship, that it would be easy for us to each go off to our separate apartments if we had a disagreement. But he wanted us to stay together in our anger, sit with it or work through it but not run away from it. One of the things I have put a lot of effort into the last two years is recognizing my own anger and dealing with it. I may fight with my husband a little bit more, but I spend fewer nights crying into my pillow. And we don't hide if from the kids. They need to see that mommy and daddy don't always agree, that they get frustrated and angry and disappointed with each other just like they do with their children. And they work it out. The love goes on.
In my own selective memory, the biggest rule in my family was "Be responsible." Not a bad rule, as rules go. The worst thing I could be in my family's eyes was irresponsible. So... am I a responsible person because that was the rule in my family, or am I just naturally that way? What would happen if I did something irresponsible? Whom would I disappoint? To what lengths would I go to hide my irresponsibility?
While I think most folks who know me would agree that I am a fairly responsible person, I do make mistakes -- challenge the rule -- fuck up on purpose sometimes. Occassionally I have the presence of mind to question my own thoughts and actions when something is causing me particular stress. I also struggle to remember that there are LOTS of other people who are responsible; I don't have to be "the one." At those times, I try to see clearly to the things that are most important to me, that affect my family directly. I focus on those, and let some of the others slip away.
The other rule in my family was that the parents don't fight. I am pretty sure this is selective memory and not what actually happened. I remember plenty of fights between me and my parents, between my sister and my parents, between my sister and me. Yet somehow I came away with no memory of my parents arguing with each other. This is a rule I have definitely worked to change. I grew up not knowing how to be angry with my partner and work through it. I had a very black and white view of relationships. Fortunately, Steve is self-aware and was committed to working things out from the very beginning. I remember him telling me, early on in our courtship, that it would be easy for us to each go off to our separate apartments if we had a disagreement. But he wanted us to stay together in our anger, sit with it or work through it but not run away from it. One of the things I have put a lot of effort into the last two years is recognizing my own anger and dealing with it. I may fight with my husband a little bit more, but I spend fewer nights crying into my pillow. And we don't hide if from the kids. They need to see that mommy and daddy don't always agree, that they get frustrated and angry and disappointed with each other just like they do with their children. And they work it out. The love goes on.
posted by Beth at 7:51 PM
1 Comments:
I often suspected that we grew up in different families.
I need to think about the responsibility thing, but I TOTALLY have a different perception of the parents fighting thing. I grew up feeling very comfortable showing emotion (I remember mom crying because they had argued and dad responding pretty gently). It was always okay to argue and then get along after. But maybe we learned that from arguing with our parents.
Interesting ...
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