On the edge of panic

(written last night but I had trouble posting to blogger until today)

I have been having panic attacks for almost twenty years. I go through phases where I have them more frequently, such as when I was pregnant with Athena. I saw a therapist who helped me learn ways to reduce both the frequency and the severity of attacks.

I can often tell when an attack is imminent. I don’t feel quite right; a little anxious, a little off kilter. Frequently this is when I am either stressed, or exhausted, or both. I was feeling a bit off last night, and today was a struggle to keep myself from succumbing to a full-blown attack.

If you have never suffered from panic disorder, it is hard to explain how debilitating it can be. Imagine feeling like you are about to pass out, throw up, and/or drive yourself off a cliff (or all three) at any given moment. Then imagine that you never know when these feelings will strike. It used to be that it only happened to me while I was driving, or when there was snow on the ground. Then one day I flipped out in a business meeting, and realized it could happen anywhere.

I now know that getting enough rest, good nutrition, absolutely zero caffeine, and plenty of water all help me avoid an attack. I have also figured out ways to keep myself from completely losing it. This is what happened today. I got up at 5am after about six hours of interrupted sleep. Drove to the Bainbridge Island ferry to catch a 7:05am boat to Seattle. I felt a bit anxious in the car, but focused on keeping my mind clear of excess clutter (rapid thoughts are a symptom of panic). I breathed slowly and drank some water. It helped.

At the conference today I didn’t feel panicked but I felt so very tired, and a little scared of driving home. I battled the feeling of impending panic for half of the way home. For about 15 minutes things got pretty hairy. I felt clammy and disconnected from my body. I was in danger of hyperventilating. My mind was flitting from one thought to the next, interspersed with judgment about my inability to control my symptoms. The sun was in my eyes, making things even worse (panic brings great photo sensitivity – for me anyway). I focused on all the tools I had learned to try and calm myself down. It worked, eventually. For the last 25 minutes of the drive, I was fine. Calm, normal, even awake.

The sense of relief I felt when I realized the panic had passed was immense. After a full-blown attack, I can feel ‘on edge’ for days afterward. In this case, I felt almost back to normal. Every time these techniques work and I don’t go off the deep end, I feel more empowered that I am not at the mercy of random panic. It is a good reminder, though, that I need to take care of myself – physically and emotionally – if I want to keep these experiences to a minimum.

It's not all bad

Athena turned two on February first, earning the right to her very own lunch box. Considering that her first sentence was "I want mine own!" that seemed appropriate. Although she has only read one Dora the Explorer book and never seen a Dora video (that we know of) she recognized the character immediately and fell in love with her new lunch box.

This was the first and only time I put a clip in her hair, but I think it's cute!



Sam turned four and a half on February first, which he is proud to tell anyone who asks. His babysitter Michele gave him this Hot Wheels lunch box, which he uses to store his 30+ Hot Wheels cars. The following weekend he got his own new Power Rangers lunchbox. He has never seen Power Rangers, but seems to know everything about them.


Sam is still crazy about his flourescent striped tights that Santa brought him. So much so, that we got him another pair in a different (flourescent) color. They make him "super fast!"



For Athena's Birthday, I made this fleece blanket to match the one that Sam has on his bed. It is a "no sew" design, which is good because I do not sew. At all. It was fun to pick out the fabric, measure and cut the tassles, and tie them all up. She loves it and looks so adorable snuggled up in it.


As you can see, she still sleeps with her Teletubbies, "Winky" and "Po," who must be wrapped in her "blankie." She has been known to wake up and say, "Where's my Winky? Where's my Po? Where's my Blankie?"

Lovey the Killer Lab

Our new dog Lovey has a dark side. Last weekend, while we were in Portland, Lovey stayed with some friends who have two kids a few years older than ours. They played, they ran on the beach, they played fetch until the tennis ball sank in the ocean. They called us on Sunday and said they wanted to steal him from us.

Then it all went very very bad.

They took him to a relative's house, where another dog lives. They were very careful to observe the two dogs together; everything was fine. Then about two hours into the day, Lovey attacked the other dog. Nobody saw what happened (a 5yo kid was the only human in the vicinity) but the sounds of snarling gnashing and yipping made it pretty easy to put the pieces together. Oh, and the gaping wound that covered half of the other dog's face and nearly caused her to lose an eye.

Lovey acted very sheepish and moped around the house for several days after he came home. Tuesday another friend was here with his dogs and insisted that I let Lovey out to see how he would behave. Even after hearing the above story, he said, "Let's see how it goes. I take full responsibility for whatever happens." Within two minutes Lovey had one of the dogs by the haunches, whipping his head back and forth trying to pull a leg off. "Oh, *that* kind of biting." Yeah, that kind.

Not sure what this means for Lovey as a permanent member of the Wilmo household. He has never shown any signs of aggression toward the kids. But it makes me nervous. We'll see.

Update 2/10/07: Lovey is gone. We are all very sad.